Well, I say lots of stuff. Some of it needs a little clarification. Thanks to Leonard Richardson, who unknowingly made me get off my lazy rump and write this after I was inspired by his masterwork, Leonardonics; additionally, many of his conventions are used, such as using X as a term requiring context-specific disambiguation. Alas, my sense of humor isn't nearly as witty or as ready as his.
Acronym for "As far as I know" taken from internet shorthand. Note that I actually speak it as a word and not as a series of letters.
Used to indicate that someone is doing something so consistent that it shouldn't be surprising. Can be either a two-person exchange, where someone else says "Again?":
"Cathy is moping."
"Again?"
"Still."Or, if necessary, it can be handled by just one person, though it sounds pretty lame:
"Cathy is moping again . . . still."
From my mother.
Used to ironically indicate that a name has strong ethnic overtones. X is never the actual ethnicity implied by the name:
"That was Jose Gonzales."
"Ah, a good Irish boy."From my mother, although she uses it in a non-ironic, X-is-the-actual-ethnicity manner. Never used in the presence of the individual in question (or, for that matter, anyone who is X) for reasons of one's own personal safety.
Almost There . . . Almost There . . . !
Used to indicate something is taking longer than it should, or to indicate one does not expect someone to succeed in a given task. From Star Wars, as Red Leader is approaching the thermal exhaust port; as such, it must be said in as close an impersonation of Red Leader as possible.
Approximate transliteration of the sound I sometimes make when faced with something unexpected or otherwise curious or imponderable:
"Oh, by the way, Julie and Brian got married and Julie just gave birth to a baby girl."
"Arrrrrrrruuu???"From a sound a friend uses as a question when roleplaying a Wookiee.
The old version of the STCCG Everything Else Board (the most recent incarnation of which can now be found here). It was originally called the Buzz (and later the Off-Topic Board, then the Miscellany board); the name stuck despite Decipher's numerous name changes, until Decipher finally cracked down on certain posts there. Not to be deterred, several members of that board forged The New Buzz, which is now one of my regular haunts.
"Buzz" also refers to too much hype over a given entertainment, usually indicating I haven't seen/heard it; The Blair Witch Project, American Beauty, and most pop songs were examples of things with "too much buzz" at the time this entry was first written, for instance.
The X one is discussing is a desireable and worthy item, product, or activity.
"You know, I really like Star Wars."
"Can't go wrong with Star Wars."Would be an appropriate follow-up to Mmmm . . . X . . . .
"Mmmm . . . cheese . . . "
"Can't go wrong with cheese."Etymology unknown.
To briefly take on the mannerisms and/or speech patterns of another person.
"And, I'm like, 'where's my wall?'"
"Dude, you so just channeled Josh."Etymology unknown.
Vomit, especially the kind after a drunken binge that tends to get everywhere. From a particularly unfunny joke a friend once told me, that nonetheless stuck in my head:
Person #1: "Hey, how'd you get that circle-square hair?"
Person #2: (Pretends to vomit into hands and rub it through hair) "Natural."Fortunately, not used that much anymore.
Roleplaying shorthand for "NPC points a gun at you." Often accompanied by a gesture resembling someone shouldering a rifle. Can also be used by a player character targeting an NPC; or, more generally, that the person or object in question should be shot at.
Archaic. At least, I hope to keep it archaic, it was so lame. This was my way of indicating a distaste for a particular situation, as if thwarted by the infamous WWI ace. Spoken in a tight, breathy, almost Godfatherly voice. Undoubtedly originated as a Peanuts reference.
Any word originating with Da Hoodlums, a group of associates from high school. An approximation of DaHoodlumistic speech can be derived from a careful examination of any Jeff Foxworthy album, intersperesed with nonstandard words and phrases, many of which can be found here. Ironically, I originated the group's name when I mentioned the word "hoodlum" while one of the members was saying "Jell-O" in a childish voice. He immediately picked up on the word and started saying "Hood-lum" in the same voice, and it stuck.
Method of pursuing a line of conversation that, at least superficially, has been ended by the speaker.
"And then there was the time I got hit with a baseball bat, but that's a whole other story."
"Dare I ask?"Note that, when I say this, I am not just musing on the strength of my own courage; I am, in fact, asking.
Meat. X is the kind of the animal that died to make the indicated food product.
"Would you like a dead cow sandwhich?"
"Like most families, we eat dead bird at Thanksgiving."Helps remind you exactly what you're eating.
Common statement used to indicate an error or unfortunate circumstance. Refers, of course, to The Simpsons, and Homer's ever-present quote.
Klingon for "That is unfortunate." The only Klingon phrase I use with any regularity, other than maybe "Qapla'!"
Exaggerated pronunciation of the word "drama," made when someone is telling a story about their life that is of exaggerated importance or reminiscent of the plot of a soap opera. Accompanied by a gesture with both hands held up, palms facing out and shaking.
". . . and so now the professor won't even take the assignment! What am I going to do?!"
"Duh-rama! It's only worth five percent of your grade!"From my ex-girlfriend.
A DaHoodlumism, one way of saying something is nice, although most often used when one lacks interest in the topic at hand:
"Guess what? I just got a box of carpentry screws! Isn't that great?"
"Garoovay."Never used with anything but a thoroughly disinterested voice (or one approximating a state of thorough intoxication).
Response to a snide remark or backhanded compliment. X can be a person's name, or the word "dear":
"Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out. It will be way too late, of course."
"Gee, thanks, love you too, dear."Note that the target need not be anything more than a casual acquaintance, even with the "dear" appelation; gender is likewise irrelevant.
Can mean either the traditional meaning or utter moron, depending on context.
Gender-neutral written form of God. Used when one is arguing (or expects to be arguing) religion with hyperChristians or other dogmatics, but when you yourself aren't Wiccan enough to feel proper standing behind "Goddess." Can also be used in conversation, with a glottal stop between the d's (a glottal stop being the sound in the middle of uh-oh).
The place where X goes when it dies or ceases to function:
"The bird hit the window too hard and went to the Great Bird Heaven in the Sky."
"When the engine finally quit, we knew it was time to send it to the Great Car Heaven in the Sky."
"Yes, I got a new one. The old one went to the Great Toaster Heaven in the Sky."From my mother.
Two ways I say "Hi." The first, "Greetings," is from Data in Star Trek: First Contact, right after he is shot up with a machine gun A variant, "Greetings all," is my standard opening line when I enter a chat room.. The second, "Greetings and salutations," is from a wav file from an unidentified movie a friend has.
Statement of discontent. Best handled as a two-part comment by two people, both dissatisfied by the current situation:
"Grrr ..."
"... Arrgh."From the "Mutant Enemy Productions" sound effect at the end of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer and Angel.
My religion, a combination of various amounts of scientific, Wiccan, Taoist, Buddhist, Norse, American Indian, Christian, New Age, Egyptian, White Wolf, and Existentialist beliefs (and yes, I'm aware that many of those are pretty much incompatible with one another). No, the church is not accepting converts. Make your own damn church.
Hello, My Name Is John and I'm a Moron
Sometimes I make really obvious mistakes, and this is often what I say afterward. Apparently, I belong to Morons Anonymous.
Here, Have a Cookie. That's How They Train Seals. Unfortunately, I'm All Out of Fish.
A rather backhanded way of saying someone has finally done something right, or has figured something out, especially if the task or mental hurdle wasn't so difficult to begin with:
"Well, after losing another five hundred bucks, I figured that gambling wasn't as easy as I thought."
"Here, have a cookie. That's how they train seals. Unfortunately, I'm all out of fish."From an episode of The Real Ghostbusters, where Egon Spengler says this to Peter Venkman after he figures out something blatantly obvious. Would be particularly appropriate if said to me after I said, "Hello, My Name Is John and I'm a Moron."
Said either when a given statement is shrewd or cunning and worthy of praise, or when it is of such a blatant obviousness that it would be worthy of Here, Have a Cookie. That's How They Train Seals. Unfortunately, I'm All Out of Fish but one does not wish to be quite so mean.
Contraction of "head's up"; like the original phrase, used to draw someone's attention to something, especially if it is coming at them quickly (e.g. something thrown at them).
Rennaissance version of "Hoorah!" as often heard at Renaissance Faires and the like.
Fundamentalist Christian, one who is convinced everything in the Bible happened just that way; a bible thumper.
A simulation of or a substitute for X, often inferior, as in, "I can't believe it's not leather!" for pleather, or "I can't believe it's not meat!" for Spam. Derived from the margarine, "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!", famous for featuring Fabio in its commercials; therefore, a Fabio impersonation is often in order when using this phrase. It is sometimes followed by the word "Spread!", as in "I can't believe it's not leather! Spread!", in order to lampoon the spreadable product and to add just a little more silliness to the occasion.
I Didn't Want the Grapes Anyway
A statement made after someone else has failed to obtain something they wanted, and then stated that that something was defective or not important to them in the first place:
"Well, I know we can't go to the park today, but it would probably be crowded anyway. It's no big loss."
"Yeah, and I didn't want the grapes anyway."From the old Aesop's fable "The Fox and the Grapes," where the fox convinces himself that the grapes he couldn't reach were probably sour and inedible.
If by "X" You Mean "Y," Then Yes
Response to a yes/no question that is clearly off the mark:
"Do you play the Pokemon CCG?"
"If by 'play' you mean 'burn whenevever I get the opportunity," then yes."A common subset of this phrase uses "not X" for "Y":
"Do you like rap?"
"If by "like" you mean "not like," then yes."Origin uncertain, though probably related to Leonardonics' "And by x, I mean y."
I Have an Answer. Let's See if They Coincide.
My regular response to someone saying "I have a question." If the question asked is not worthy of grave consideration (i.e. someone isn't relying on me to take the situation seriously), I usually answer a question prefaced this way with a non-sequitur before giving the proper answer:
"I have a question."
"I have an answer. Let's see if they coincide."
"Do the computers in the Lab have Office 2000?"
"Red-Orange, except in Tunisia, where the color is considered offensive. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant 'yes.'"Incidentally, since originally writing this example, "Red-Orange, except in Tunisia, where the color is considered offensive" has become the default non-sequitur for this, only occasionally being replaced by something more original.
I'm Sorry, Dave, I'm Afraid I Can't Do That
Used to indicate my inability or unwillingness to act in a given manner, or in order to deny a request:
"Will you drive me to Del Taco?"
"I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."From 2001: A Space Odyssey, and as such, must be spoken in a voice like HAL's. Note that the subject need not be named Dave. See Not Tonight, Dear, I Have A Headache.
Gets on my nerves; ticks me off.
"You know, that really irks my cookie."
From a female friend in high school; later adopted as a DaHoodlumism.
Generic invective, for when real invectives would be inappropriate. It is a strict nonsense word with no known meaning outside of my usage of it.
Abbr. for "Live Long and Prosper." From shorthand in the Kedanya Station and other chat rooms. Often used in conjunction with the phrase Take Care.
MacGyverism, To Bust a MacGyver
A clever solution to a problem, usually involving the use of nearby objects in nonstandard ways:
"That was quite the MacGyverism, using the CD as a signalling mirror."
"Reed's use of mashed potatoes as a hull patch in 'Shuttlepod One' is one of the best MacGyverisms on any Trek series."Rarely, the verb form "to bust a MacGyver" is also used:
"So he busted a MacGyver and used a pen tube for a straw."
From the television program MacGyver, whose eponymous hero is well known for getting out of close shaves by taking the stuff that was already there and finding a different way to use it. "To bust a MacGyver" was coined by a friend based on the same concept.
DaHoodlumism for bolt cutters. From a former acquaintance and Hoodlum, appropriately named Mark, who used them to open locked gates, fences, padlocks, etc.
When pronounced normally, it has the traditional meaning. When pronounced as "merkenary," however, it means a mispronunciation of a word has just been made. From a friend who regularly mispronounced the word in this manner before finally being corrected.
Someone or something missed a target, either literal or figurative. From Get Smart; as such, should be spoken in a close approximation of Maxwell Smart's voice.
Statement indicating bliss is nearly at hand, and that one need only partake of X to experience it; or, similarly, to indicate after partaking of X that one is now in this state of bliss. Usually applies only to foodstuffs, but other possibilities exist:
"Mmmm . . . ice cream . . . ."
"Mmmm . . . pizza . . . ."
"Mmmm . . . sleep . . . ."
"Mmmm . . . jacuzzi . . . ."Derived from another Homer Simpson saying. Goes especially well with Dead X.
As a certifiable loony, I name each sword in my collection; each name follows this form. Thus, my Jiann is named My Pretty; my Scottish basket-hilted broadsword is My Bonnie, etc. Aren't you glad certifiable loonies can have swords, too?
Appendix phrase to a short answer, usually self-deprecating, made in response to a question that theoretically deserves a longer answer:
"Okay, so why didn't you write down the problems instead of thinking you could remember them?"
"Because I'm a moron. Next question?"Etymology uncertain.
Not Tonight, Dear, I Have A Headache
Used in same context as I'm Sorry, Dave, I'm Afraid I Can't Do That. Refers to the cliched excuse for avoiding sexual intercourse.
Patented John Hazlett Flying Counterparry
A fencing maneuver consisting of a long jump backward combined with a large, sweeping, circular motion of the sword. A last ditch defense when you suddenly realize either you have no idea what the opponent is doing, or you do know and recognize the immediate need to get away. Not technically patented.
To go to the bathroom for the purpose of defecation, but instead only releasing gas. From the clean version of an old bathroom wall poem, from the time when pay toilets were far more common than they are today:
"Here I sit,
All broken hearted,
Paid my dime
And only farted."
Any small animal, such as a ground squirrel or rabbit, running across the street in front of one's automobile.
Short for "A penny for your thoughts," i.e. what are you thinking right now? From Star Trek: The Next Generation, when Beverly Crusher says it to Picard in the episode "Attached." Also the handle of a net friend who's survey, "A Penny for Your Thoughts, or My Own Little Survey" was a regular feature on The Buzz until she had to leave. We miss her.
The state of Oregon. Some of its tax structures (especially the high property taxes) resulted in my mother calling it this, after the form used by some communist nations. It stuck, so I call it that, too.
Act of allowing one pet into the house while simultaneously letting another pet out. An occurrence that was once fairly regular in my household.
An exclamation discrediting something or indicating disbelief. Nonsense; poppycock; baloney. Has light derogatory overtones.
"You know, you probably shouldn't do that."
"Oh, pish."
Origin uncertain.
Short for "you have a point" or "good point." From Timothy Zahn's many Star Wars novels.
Praise Not The Day Until Evening Has Come
My way of saying "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Sometimes shortened to just "Praise not the day" when around those who've heard me use the full saying.
From a Viking proverb quoted in Michael Crichton's Eaters of the Dead:
"Praise not the day until evening has come; a woman until she is burnt; a sword until it is tried; a maiden until she is married; ice until it has been crossed; beer until it has been drunk."
Latin, meaning "look ahead!" To go down in a blaze of glory or self-sacrifice; to face death or disaster squarely, without fear. From Robert Browning's excellent poem of the same name.
Professional in the field of psychology or psychaiatry, especially an incompetent one or one whose practice relies on fringe theories. From "psychobabble."
Klingon for "Success!" Occasionally used as a parting word, as a toast, or as encouragement that someone demonstrate the quality in question.
Exclamation indicating it's time to go to X. X can be nearly anything that one could have to go to:
"Quickly, Robin, to the Bat-Phone!"
"Quickly, Robin, to the Bat-Roller Coaster!"
"Quickly, Robin, to the Bat-Tax Preparer!"From the legendary corniness of the 1960s Batman series, where *everything* Batman and Robin used was prefixed with "bat."
Archaic. Fancy way of saying X. X can be almost anything. If one hears a frog croaking, one can say "radical frog action." If one thinks someone is having sex, one can say "radical sex action." If one stubs one's toe, one can say "radical stubbing action." It's overbroad, and overlame if not used sparingly. I use it much more sparingly now than before I realized that simple fact.
To engage X in lengthy, passionate sexual intercourse.
"I'd sure like to ride her into the morning."
"They haven't seen each other in months. I'm sure she's riding him into the morning right now."Etymology unknown.
Rover, Wanderer, Nomad, Vagabond . . . Call Me What You Will
Used after I've taken a sojourn with no particular destination, and people don't grasp the fact that I did it because I felt like it.
"Where did you go? It's after midnight."
"Up over Breckinridge Mountain, by Lake Isabella, then back over 178."
"Why?"
"Rover, wanderer, nomad, vagabond . . . call me what you will."From the Metallica song Wherever I May Roam. Note that, when used in this context, it must be said in the most banal voice possible; singing the song should only be done when one wants to sing, not to put a questioner in his / her place.
Saying negative or derogatory things about someone, normally someone who is present. Infrequent; often only heard in the DaHoodlumism phrase "Yonder foo's be schpeakin' schmack," roughly translated as "That/those person(s) are saying negative things about you/me/us."
Although Shakespeare was a genius when it came to insults (among other things), and wrote many of them into his plays, this refers specifically to one in The Tragedy of King Lear, Act II, Scene 2, which Kent gives to Oswald:
"A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch, one whom I will beat into clamorous whining if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition."
Yes, I'm sick enough to both have it memorized and use it in casual conversation.
Something of value, especially when above and beyond that which is to be expected:
"This webpage is solid gold! It has all the information I need!"
"Normally ice cream sandwiches are just good, but on a hot day like this they're solid gold."
Son of a Motherless (Gelatinous) Goat
Multipurpose non-vulgar invective. The original version, son of a motherless goat, comes from The Three Amigos. The other version, son of a gelatinous goat, was the result of a mental blank combined with a bit of verbal innovation; both versions see use when other, harsher invectives are innapropriate.
Statement of discontent at something falling or being dropped. Originally used by Homer Simpson.
A common farewell saying. Better than "good-bye" since it actually means something. Often converted to "Take care all" when directed at more than one person. See: LLaP
Euphemism for the substandard modem upon which my internet connection formerly depended.
Way of saying that something is bad, not right, or not the way it's supposed to be.
"So after all that crap, they still sent us a bill for their 'services.' "
"Oh, hell no, that ain't kosher."Refers to the kashrut, the body of dietary laws of Judaism.
Used when someone overlooks X, which is typically a manmade object, as an obvious solution to a given problem:
"If only there was some way to leave him a message where he could see it."
"That's why God invented Post-It Notes.""Shoot, I forgot to call her, and we're too far away to turn around and go back."
"That's why God invented cell phones."Can also be used with "created" in place of "invented":
"I don't want to go; I'm afraid I'll get a sunburn."
"That's why God created sunscreen."From my mother.
Remark made when, by showing enough initiative to do something one would normally be too lazy to do, one has actually made more work for themselves than if they had been lazy:
"Go get the butter out of the fridge."
"I'm too efficient. I just put it away."
Comment made when I believe the outcome of a given course of action is unlikely to be a good one, especially when applied to stupid young male antics:
"Look, Kenny's going to try and jump the bonfire!"
"This can only end in disaster."
Origin uncertain.
The state of mind, commonly occurring at about two in the morning, where almost everything becomes funny. A worse state, the Four AM Funnies, also exists.
Microwaveable french bread pizza. Always edible, easy, quick, and not too messy; therefore, it was a staple in my diet for years before being forced to become more health conscious. From the German über, "over," since surely a food as ubiquitous as this deserves to be regarded over and above the vast majority of other foods.
Code word for an attractive female.
"Is that Uncle Ted I see over there?"
"I think Uncle Ted might have worked at a place like this once."The latter shows a peculiarity of Uncle Ted code - the mythical Uncle Ted usually did things in the past tense that the attractive female is doing in the present tense, and he tends to do it at places that are merely similar (not the same) as the attractive female. Thus, after seeing an attractive female buying something, it would be just as right to say "I think Uncle Ted used to shop at a store like this" as to say "Uncle Ted is shopping here."
From a system intentionally derived by myself and my ex-girlfriend at her suggestion; with her now being prefixed with an "ex," the term has fallen into disuse.
Euphemism for going to the bathroom. Note that facilities are always utilized; to use them would simply be banal.
A statement used in any game where my action gets rid of an opponent's piece, card, or other useful thingy, especially when that thingy is critical to an apparent strategy. Could refer to lightning bolting a creature in Magic: The Gathering, capturing an important piece in chess, or, as in the original case, Kevin Uxbridging an Event in STCCG. From the old Kedanya Station Chatroom.
Waiting For the Part Where I Care
My usual way of indicating I have little or no interest in the topic at hand; rarely do I expect the part where I care to actually occur.
Watch Where You Point That Thing
Ribbing way of noting that a male is particularly aroused. You do the math.
Pseudo old-fashioned way of saying "What are you looking for?"
Early Modern English word for "Why?" often seen in Shakespeare. Used when I feel the need to be pretentious, Shakespearean, to use a synonym for "why," or just when I feel like using it.
X . . . Another X . . . I Think That Was the Same X.
Typically used when pets or other animals are in "zoom mode," playing and running extremely quickly, and thus constantly and rapidly moving in and out of one's frame of vision:
"Cat . . . another cat . . . I think that was the same cat."
From the motion picture Twister, when it was used to refer to cow(s) caught in a tornado.
The amount of something in question is actually somewhat higher than the stated value of X:
"That will cost you three dollars and change, after sales tax."
"It's about thirty degrees and change outside right now."
"It's only fifty miles and change from the Frazier Park house to Bakersfield."This form is not uncommon when used for money, but I extend it to any numerical values, when appropriate.
X is Tough. X is a Harbor Chimp!
X is capable of whatever feat of endurance is currently being called for. From Ghostbusters II, where Venkman says of the Statue of Liberty, "She's tough. She's a Harbor Chick!" A friend felt replacing "chick" with "chimp" was both more gender-neutral and more humorous, and so it stuck.
X Was Put Together by a Bunch of Monkeys
X is lacking in quality, as if it was made by untalented simians instead of people. "Put together" can often be replaced by almost any verb:
"That building was built by a bunch of monkeys."
"Your brain was installed by a bunch of monkeys."
"That painting was hung by a bunch of monkeys."From a statement Scotty makes in Star Trek V: "USS Enterprise Shakedown Crew's report. I think this new ship was put together by monkeys." "A bunch" was added for my own nefarious reasons, reasons so top-secret even I don't know what they are.
The entity in question is a very large and/or terrifying specimen of category X, typically referring to a life-form of some sort:
"Look out, that Chihuahua is nothing compared to Dogzilla over there."
"Look at the size of this web. Spiderzilla must live here."It can also be applied, tongue in cheek, to a not-so large or terrifying specimen of category X:
"Oh, Marmalade, you truly are Catzilla."
From "Godzilla," the incredibly large and awesome reptilian antihero from over 20 films of Japan's Toho Corporation. (Not to be confused with Notzilla, the sham American ripoff that shares nothing with the real King of the Monsters other than a reptilian hide, an atomic origin, and a penchant for hiding out in cities where he's not particularly wanted.)
Alternative form for any compound word or term XY. Some examples are "Mail of E," "School of High," and "Mart of Wal" (the most common use of this form). Etymology unknown.
Archaic. A DaHoodlumism greeting, used alone:
"Yonder, John."
"Yonder, Jesse."Falling into disuse. From a time in High School when the word was in vogue overuse (for some ungodly reason) for indicating distance. I occasionally use it for the actual "over there" sense; see Schpeakin' Schmack.
Well, you do the math.